you can't open doors with your hands closed in a fist.

i hate finals. i hate studying more precisely. i wish i could just absorb all my information and never have to study. i wish i could be studious like JOECH...the goech.

"Nerds aren't losers. They're just playing a different game, and a game much closer to the one played in the real world."

michael "molester-hands" kim is so judgmental.

ANYWAYS. ok so the meat of my blog today.

lately i've been mad stressed. just dying from overload of things. and the whole time i've been trying to handle things on my own. finding a apartment. figuring out summer income. figuring out grades. exams. moving. and through the whole time, i've been trying to help other people too. i've been adding unnecessary stress on top of my stress and just holding it all in. so when i found out work study wasn't going to be funded during the summer, i about exploded.

that's when i finally reached out and opened up. one of my favorite people in the world Sylvia...any time and every time i talk to her, i get something out of it. i could pour my heart out to her and she can come up with the easiest solution. the best part is, i know what the answer is, i just don't realize it.

so for today's dilemma. i literally wrote sylvia a book's worth of message about my "issues" in life. and honestly, the simple answer was that i can't do it alone. it's hard to open up and let people even know i have issues. it's hard showing that i can be weak and insecure and that i can have break downs too. I'm used to being the one giving advice. i'm used to taking care of people. but sometimes i need people to take care of me. and sylvia unni always got my back.

today was a visual demonstration. she told me to ball up my hands into a fist. and then she told me to go outside. THEN she told me to come inside, but i had to open the door with my fists...it was madddd awkward and hard and weird. and then she handed me my phone but i had to receive it with my hands still in a fist. this was also weird and awkward. then she made me go outside and open the door again with my hands still in a fist like...three more times. just to make sure i get it =.=;;

the lesson is, if God wants me to go somewhere, but i'm not open to him, it's going to be hard to get where God wants me to go. And when God is trying to hand me something, and my hands are closed, how am i going to receive the gifts and guidance that God is offering me? honestly, where has God been in the picture this whole time i've been stressing? where have all my mentors and brothers and sisters been in this picture? they were missing not because they weren't there for me...but because i didn't just turn around and see that they had my back.

i just need to realize how lucky and blessed i am that there are so many people who love and care for me and every once in a while, i gotta let down my force field and let the love flowwwwwwww in.

ok the end of this blog got a little weird...but it's like 3:11am...ugh.