forcing natural. [rant]

so as most of ya'll know, i'm a FASET leader. and for my non-gatech people, FASET is basically freshmen orientation. as a faset leader, i spend so much time just observing people and how they behave. and the one thing that's been seriously getting under my skin is how a few people seem to have to FORCE themselves to be natural and normal in a conversation with students and their parents. they can't have real talk with strangers. their false behavior is basically this picture...

i don't understand why you can't just be normal. the buttery, bullshit tone in people's voices is completely completely obvious. their voices get all high pitched and bubbly. they talk really slow to people who look foreign (and sometimes speak grammatically perfect english) and roll their eyes when the person looks away. and it makes me cringe because even though the parents know that you are just being courteous and doing what you've been taught, why can't you sincerely be courteous. what causes people to be that drastically different.

i mean, i'm not saying i don't change my tone for different people. of course i do...it's natural. i'm going to add sir/ma'am at the end of sentences. i'm going to smile. i'm not going to use the same diction with parents as students, that's just rude. i'm sincere about the things i say. if a parent is asking me about my life as a student at tech and how much i like what i do here, i don't feel the need to force only good answers out of my body and be all plastic. I feel like, as humans, everyone basically knows what people want to hear and how people want to hear it. there is always an excellent and optimistic way to present negative information without having to completely bullshit your way out of it.

i guess some of yall are like..."wtf is she talking about"...and some of yall are like "i know exactly what she's talking about" but yeah. i'm going to do homework.

dreaming.

so i watched inception last friday with some friends. it was really good. omgush. why am i writing about this almost a week later? idk i guess i just didn't even think about it til now...while in psychology. ahha.

ok. dreaming. inception was like...extreme lucid dreaming. being in other people's dreams. interacting with them, taking things from them, controlling them. hulll. lucid dreaming. i love the feeling. but just like in the movie...where living in the dream world so long might actually convince you that reality is in your dream...somethings i just want to escape to my dreams.

some times, my days are so long, dull, dreary, stressful, wretched, frustrating...i could go on. i just want to go to bed...and escape into my dreams. i always have such vivid dreams. so realistic. SOOOO REALISTIC...in fact, last night i dreamed that Bentley (my puppy) pooped everywhere...so annoyingly realistic. ugh. but yeah. i dream. i dwell. i remember. i wish that i could live my life in my dreams sometimes.

sometimes, my dream self is what i really want to be. my dreams can be down to earth or completely fantastical. i dream that i blow cash at malls like chump change...or something better...i dream that my mom let's me buy anything i want. which in my opinion, is much better that just blowing cash.

my dreams actually change as i change in real life. i used to hate the feeling of falling, like going straight down on a roller coaster. i hated that feeling in the pit of my stomach. therefore, i absolutely hated flying in my dreams. i liked flying up, but i hated flying down. that feeling, i felt it so realistically in my dreams. but as i rode more roller coasters and got more accustomed to the falling feeling, growing to eventually liking it...the more i loved to fly in dreams. one time, my friend told me he wanted to lucid dream. and in his dream, he wanted to be playing madd high stakes poker...and then win...and then just fly away straight out of the building...YOU WOULD.

anyways. here i am, once again, wasting your time with long drawn out blogs. nice.

make it a habit...must keep blogging...

went to nori nori today. i feel like i might actually explode. gah. why is food so good? anyways. what do i want to talk about today...meh. here we go again.

mindddddddddddddddddd.
graaaaaaaaaaabbbbbbbbbb.
can'ttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt.
finnnnnnnnnnnnnnnndddd.
aaaannnyyyttthhhhinnnggg.
wwwwwhhhaatttttttttttttttt.
ammmmmmmmmmmmm.
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.
dddooooiiinnnggggggggggg.
ssssssooooooooooooooooo.
fffuuuulllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll.


outwardly, i'm a horrible wretched person. but on the inside, i think there is some good in me. i guess it just doesn't want to be seen. but i guess i wonder if everyone just thinks i'm a mean person through and through or if they actually can tell that really and truely i'm a good person. idk. who cares. actually. i care. ahhhahaha.

ok. next. i need new musicccc. i guess not seeing jacob [YAGOM *sad face*]affects how much new music i listen to. i haven't been listening to my ipod while i walk around campus. and it's so weird now that i think about it because it used to be as soon as, or even before class ended, i would put my earbuds in and prepare to blast those wonderful melodies straight into my brain, erasing any new information that i may have [key words "may have"] obtained during the class. hulllll. i used to look forward to just listening to music so much. i realized that i'm just now getting back into it...after an entire summer of not listening to my ipod while i walk. strange. strange it is.

maybe i just got used to just walking. or maybe i was too bothered with the fact that i can't breathe due to the air not no being air but actually water...i swear i've been swimming to classes lately. but now i am really baffled because i figured, when i first started writing about this, that i would have figured out a reason as to why i've been walking in silence lately. but i haven't. interesting. maybe it's because there is no one on skiles trying to make me join random shit. who knows.

anyways. i'm just sitting at work. toiling away. just kidding. obviously i'm not. since i'm blogging. but yeah. i need to get back in the habit of blogging...and so far, it seems to be working out. 2 days, 2 blogs.

whasssap.

what on earth.

why haven't i blogged in such a long time. idk. pure laziness?

the summer's haze has come over me completely and swallowed me up in a cloud of slow moving actions. what. the. fuck.

so i guess i will blog. blog blog blog. just spew the sparks that fly in my mind. i'm in psychology right now. there is an old man in my class that just ugh. by old i mean 50s, gray hair, creeper mustache, etc. i don't like him. i don't even know him. this class is like an hour and forty five minutes long with a five minute break in between. at the break, he runs outside to suck down that cancer stick. suck it down deep in his lungs. probably chain smoking. always comes in late. smelling of stale smoke. and reeking of the arrogance of a man who thinks he knows shit because he's old. i wouldn't doubt that he knows more about the world than most of us, but there are plenty of people in this class who know a shit ton more about psychology than he does. stfu, old sir. stfu.


next in my mind. here i go again. reaching. grabbing. got em...talking. speaking. writing. singing. seeing. hearing. being. idk. i lost it.

i guess i've always lacked a sense of embarrassment for myself. but i hate it when people around me do unspeakably embarrassing stuff. and by that, i have no idea what i mean, but i know how it feels. sometimes, i just want to stop people from doing certain things in public, even in private. i get embarrassed for them. but things that i don't get embarrassed for others is like a slutty girl wearing the typical slutty skirt and toting an unnecessarily large purse/bag/suit case which has some how grabbed onto the bottom hem of the skirt, lifting it up an embarrassing amount, exposing ugly skin. yep. no picture for this, i don't want to enhance your senses too much. so here is a picture of Bentley. pack leader. yes you are. :D


deception. lying. cheating. corrupting. losing. forcibly winning. flying. what?! everybody does it. minus the flying part. not everyone does that. but honestly, people all believe different things. in my opinion, everyone has good in them, but in all honesty, the majority of the human psyche is centered on self preservation therefore, deception, lying, cheating, corrupting, forcibly winning, etc is ingrained in the human mind not because we are all bad people, but because we have the need to come out on top. i guess how much we let that control us defines what kind of people we are. ultimately, i must be a wretched person.

should i keep going? should i keep blogging? i still have a good 45 minutes left in this class and i haven't blogged in forever...but maybe my lack of recent blogging is straining my brain. maybe i'll post again later.