8 am...

so here i am. 8 am. in skiles. it's been about about 30 minutes and our TA never came. generally i would leave, but the thought of going to howey for physics 2 any earlier than i have to does not appeal to me.

dammit to hell.

well. i guess now is a good time to blog. haven't blogged in a while, but since school is starting, i'll have a lot more to bitch about than usual. i guess i'll just blurb blog since i can't produce solid thoughts this early.

8am. it feels good outside. i honestly can't wait til cold weather arrives. i love summer things, like beach stuff, lake stuff, tanning, blah blah blah. but i really would rather have winter. i wish i could do summer stuff during the winter. like if i were a werewolf then my body temp would be high enough for me to do that...but not like that's realistic or anything.

i'm thinking about getting bentley shaved soon. for those of yall who know/have seen bentley, you know that he has hooker-post-payment hair. it curls towards his head. wtf. but the ppl at the vets shaved his arm when he got neutered for needles and ish...and his hair on that arm has grown back relatively normal. we'll see. hopefully it doesn't cost too much.

i've been working like mad. but i like being busy again. reminds me of high school. the more i have on my plate, the more stuff i get done. not because i'm more motivated, but because i lack the time to slack off. *Sigh*

i'm hungry. i would like something refreshing to drink. like a cold sweat tea from mc donalds...if i knew that my TA wasn't coming, i so would have dropped by one on the way to school. aldkfjadfajdf.

intimate conversation.

So I’m watching bachelor pad because my mom is watching Korean dramas and she has the dvd player on and she will not let me change the channel blah blah blah blah technical stuff. But yeah…so basically, let me explain the set up a little. They do these dumb challenges and the winner gets the “safe rose.” With the safe rose, the winner can go on a date with three people of the opposite sex and “get to know each other better” and all that shit. At the end of the date, the winner can give one of the three people on the date another safe rose so that two people are safe from elimination for the episode.

In this episode, the guy and girl are on the date and spending some “alone time” together…and literally, this is the convo

Guy: why do you not like me?

Girl: because you’re mean and you made out for a rose

Guy: well would you make out for a rose?

Girl: idk. Maybe. Is there someone on this show that you want to make out with?

Guy: yeah…

Girl: who?

Guy: you.

Blah blah blah. And THEN…the kicker. That was literally the conversation. And when they go off to the side and talk 1:1 with the camera/narrator dude…the guy said that the conversation was getting INTAMITE. Are you serious?...these are people in their early to mid 30s. THIRTY YEAR OLD PEOPLE SAYING THAT INTIMATE CONVERSATION IS ABOUT MAKING OUT. Really…really?!

These shows are so fake. Claiming people. Gathering people to gang up against single people to vote them off. Being hateful and spiteful for no reason. Bitching bitching bitching. Gahhhhhhhhhhhhh. i honestly believe that if aliens came to earth and watched these shows…they would kill all of humanity for the betterment of the world.

miserably honest::honestly miserable.

what is going on?
why am i in these situations?
what am i doing with my life?
why don't things just work out like they used to?
why am i so stressed?
what are my priorities?
what's going to happen in the next few weeks?
why am i so miserable?
how am i going to dig myself out of this rut?
is it even possible to dig myself out of this?
could there possibly be enough brown nosing in the world to save my ass?
what if things don't work out?
will people give me the benefit of the doubt?
will i become another statistic?
could i be any more desperate?
what direction is my life pointed in?
can i handle the circumstances?
will people even listen to me?
will they take my stories as just excuses?
will they disregard my every plea?
i trust God to take care of things, but have i done enough on my part to begin with?
why can't i think straight?
will God let me fall on this one?
is He going to teach me a lesson?
i pray that doesn't happen but if it does, will i learn?
will God take my desparation into consideration?
have i fallen too far behind to catch up?
why is hindsight so clear?
can i survive through this?
why am i so pathetic?

what. the. fuck. is. going. on.

you can't tell...

sometimes. i want to say things to people. but i can't. or i mean. i can. i usually do. but there are somethings you just aren't allowed to say. so i guess i'll say them here. like i'm back on myspace. posting dumb blogs about things you want to say to people.

1. there are just certain things you do that aren't right. it's not ethical. it's just wrong. and i can't say these things out loud. because it's your life decision. but you got to understand. your decisions affect so many different things. and right now, you're ruining someone's life and well being.

2. as much as i dislike spending time with you, i enjoy the time i spend with you. our relationship has to be more meaningful than just spending time with each other. we need more substance. and honestly, i fear the substance. because i know what it can lead to.

3. you should just move on with your life. quit hanging on to the old and just accept the new. those old things are keeping you from living your life to its full potential. but it's like you are trapped inside a box that you can only see out of the front and back of. you can only see what has happened before and what is immediately in front of you. you can't see out of the sides of the box and see what happens around you.

4. no one likes you. honestly.

5. i'm sad that you never come through on your promises. and i am genuinely hurt. i know you aren't purposely not keeping them. things come up. your general lifestyle. etc. but still. at least keep 1 out of 5 promises.

6. you judge me. i know you judge me. and i know that you think i'm oblivious to your thoughts. i hate your glaring judgmental looks. sometimes i just want to slap you right across the mouth. maybe one day i will.

7. i want things to work out between us. i can't keep living this way. waiting for consequences to line up and work out. i can't do thissssss.