show out.

"every where i go out...let me show you how i show out."

when you show the bad for so long, no one believes you can be good. what defines good? what defines bad? people argue it's all personal opinion. who knows. i don't know.

i don't want to be bad. i don't want to be good. i want to be me. but i don't want to be bad me. i want to be good me. and good me hasn't been seen for a hot minute. but i guess when i define good, i'm not talking about the things i do but the things i am.

who knows. i know exactly what i'm talking about but i'm not sure how to convey this to others.

i can do it. if enough people believe in me. but that's the issue. how many people believe me? the people who surround me now have never seen the good me. they assume this is how i've been all my life, but no one just shoots out of the womb impure. going home this weekend is going to help a lot. i hope. i pray that God answers my prayers...as redundant as that is...

살려줘...제발..

[title of show]

oh. my.

rediscovering title of show.

i love it.
i'll just give you a few quotes from the best musical in the world.

starting from the beginning.



[untitled opening number]

"and now we yell in fortissimo!"


[two nobodies in new york]

"music in a musical. how could we go wrong?"
 "KEY CHANGE!"


[an original musical]

"well mutha fucka, why don't i give you a crash course.."
 "that's right cracka"
"are you being black?"
"shut yo face"
"WHOOOO. that sounds like some crazy shit, bitch!"
"oh, easy mutha fucka"
"audiences want to see paris hilton and the apple tree."
"i am blank paper."
"even though they might be morman and gay"



[monkeys and playbills]

"writing should feel easy. like a monkey driving a speedboat."
"duuuudddde. i gotta go disco."
"and watched censored scenes from king kong."


[the tony award song]
"hunter, we agreed we weren't going to put the tony award song on the cd...remember."

[part of it all]
"a trendy photo shoot for a homo magazine"
"all our gay skills, filling playbills"
"a part of forgetting names of everyone we meet"
"our attempt to stay above the derivatal tricks and the critical undertow"

[i am playing me]
"stuck in a show where i am playing me"
"i'm getting nervous that our play is getting a little doughnuts for dinner"
"a little meatier like an asteroid is a tiny meteor?"
"huh...i totally stopped listening."
"no straight guys here for me to romance"

[what kind of girl is she?]
"At least my nose could take her nose in a cage match of noses."
"She’s got those boobs"
"She might try to steal my husband"
"She might try to have my baby"
"are you gonna eat that pickle?"

[die, vampire, die]
"a little part of me just wants to punch those motherfuckers in the teeth."
"You have a painting to paint, but you lazy like an old French whore"
"Fuck you Ms. Johnson, Word!"
"Your teeth need whitening"
"she might look like you mama, or your old fat-ass, fat aunt Fanny"
"bad language, blood, or blow jobs"
"Which will leave your work toothless, gutless, and crotchless"
"You look at that air freshener vampire in her fat ass, fat old fuckin’ face"
"but if the vampire inside my head says it,  It’s the voice of reason."


[filling out the form]
"how about 'this show fucking rocks'"
"your note can suck my note cause your note is my note's bitch"




[september song]
"Happy opening, y'all. Hey, naked."
"Okay, that's ridiculous. I'm not gonna kiss her...i will."
"If you shined a flashlight in my butt you'd see I'm dying inside"
"Oh please, like your mom has never masturbated...oh my gah"
"That was some bullshit I pulled out of my ass to make us feel better"
"Broadway.com? Broadway.com can kneel down, open its online mouth and suck my"
"...it can suck my fucking cock!"




[secondary characters]
"to enjoy the pleasure of this invisible cigarette"
"while the plot is unfolding like the Lord of the Rings Trilogy"
"I don’t know… I was just standing here quietly and Heidi was like uh-uh-guh-uh-uh-uh"


[a way back to then]
"I'll do it all by the time I'm ten"
"You're having a kick-ass time And being who you wanted to be in this world"




[nine people's favorite thing]
"I’d rather be nine people’s favorite thing Than a hundred people’s ninth favorite thing"
"I’ll admit I was a little bit “what the fuck?”"
"So I show up with pride this morning with a tray of rice-crispie treats"




[finale]
"This is the last line of our… show"



[bonus track]
"and cook your  [title of show]."
"Then have left-over [title of show]."
"Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow,
Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow,
Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow,
Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow,"
"Hey you guys, do these jeans make my ass look big?"
"Your haircut is so [title of show]."
"I do hearby hook my thumbs under my imaginary suspenders and declare today (insert date), [title of show] day!"
"You can [title of show] the English Channel or you can just go fuck yourself!"
"You want those monkeys fried or broiled hon?"





epic. hard.

thought grabbage (not a typo)

close my eyes. in the library. thinking. what to write. about.

let's see.
the images in my mind rght now is sukjune hong. only because he was the last thing i saw before i closed my eyes. sukjune cut his hair. more like exposed his skull. :D

break: puppyyy~

sometimes i wonder what people are listening to on their headphones. sometimes, i wish i could just change what music they are listening to what i am listening to. or to something really annoying.

today i had that giant pizza thing from pizza hut. it is giant.

it was delish. toppings? mushrooms. chicken. green peppers. but no green peppers on my side. why? because i hate bell peppers. why? because when i was really young, we had a set dinner schedule every week. thursday nights were fried rice. i hated thursdays...because my aunt would put bell peppers into the friend rice. and then i got really good at picking them out. but then my aunt and uncle found out i was feeding the dog bell pepprs so my aunt cut the peppers into such small pieces that i couldn't pick them out (although i probly could now, i am a master). so it got to a point where i refused to eat my dinner on thursdays and i had to sit at the table for hours and hours because i wouldn't eat it. my aunt got sick of it and fed me spoonfuls. one day. i got sick of it. so i just threw it all back up into the bowl. and now no one in my family every tries to make me eat bell peppers.

break: boifran~

i hate cs. i love the rain. such a slow day at work. i feel like such a douche with these beats. but i lurve them. i don't care about you people who hate on them. you said the same thing about my macbook. but i lurves it.

:D

done for now.
byeee.

shopping.

i'm ready to go shopping.

i'm so ready to go shopping.

i'm ready to spend this money that i've been working my ass off for.

niceeeeeeeeee.

i want to buy shoes.
i want to buy a new dress.
daniel wants me to buy him basketball socks that come up to *here* and are thick and black or white.
i want to buy a new hat.
i want/need to buy new mascara/makeup.
i want to buy Bentley some new toys.
i want to buy new shirts.

dang. i want to buy a lot of things...we'll see how much i actually buy. :/

need.

why is it that i can stress and worry the shit out of myself about the smallest things dealing with other people's lives, but when it really comes down to my life, i don't feel the pressure til i absolutely have to?

it makes me seem/feel like i care about other people more than i care about myself, but in reality, i'm a really selfish person. maybe i'm fooling myself. who knows. who cares.

obviously not the people who are supposed to care about me. but i'm not worried about it. i'm over it.

i've stressed for other people enough while they didn't stress enough. they don't realize the extent of the problem. sometimes i just want to tell people to solve their own problems. most of their problems only exist because they allow them to exist...they are the source of their own problems, yet they toss them over to me to be solved. or they don't even bother to do that much and just expect me to pick up the problems they drop all over the place.

what if i stopped caring altogether. how many people's lives would be affected? would they even notice. who knows. maybe their lives will just disintegrate into nothing.

i'm not worried about it anymore. but i am.

music.

i listen to music a lot.

but lately, i haven't just sat down and enjoyed music. it's just been something playing in the background. and could go for hours without music and not even notice the lack of it.

right now, i'm supposed to be doing some cs homework. but i've just been sitting here for the last ten minutes. not doing much at all. playing with this mini slinky and just listening to music. the new 2ne1 album. which i really like. :D

i missed music. i miss a lot of things.

side note::

you can't expect someone to be there for you 100% of the time if you're not going to make an effort to be there for them even 50% of the time.

late naattttttt

idk. that's supposed to say "late night" but i wanted to write it just like it sounded in my head. and that is what is sounds like...meh

i've been working a lot lately. and today i found out that i'm a fun person to work with. which makes me super happy. now my head is a little larger (did not know that could happen).

i guess maybe right now, is a deep thought moment. a deep feeling moment.

recently, i made amends with an old friend that i've been not so friendly with since like...febuary. is that how you spell febuary? shit. idk. but anyways. i guess what it all comes down to is how much effort i'm willing to put into having bad feelings towards someone.

as many mean/cruel things that have been said back and forth between two people, if these two people have a good history/past between them, there is nothing that can't be fixed. as much animosity there is between those two people, there are at least twice as many good memories, if not/probably much more.

although throughout the end of spring semester i was hot headed and still angry about the situations and circumstances that arose at the beginning of this year, i did not realize that i hated the situation and the time more than i hated the person. when it comes down to it, i didn't/don't hate the person at all.

whenever we/people are in a fight, they are so caught up in the things that the other person did to them. we always get so caught up on how hurt we are, how angry we are...thinking "how could they do that to me?" when in reality, the other person is thinking the exact same thing. when we fight, we get selfish. we never think of the harm we are doing to others by being mad/mean/hurtful to them.

our feelings and pride are cut hard when we hear that the other person was talking behind our backs. and in retaliation, we say even crueler things. we blow up situations way beyond what needs actually happened. we retell the same stories. we blame the other person for all our troubles. but in reality, we get tired of it. the hate hurts us more than the other person. the other person may not even be thinking about me and i'm still wasting my time trying to come out on top. it gets tiring, it wears on the soul. we say it doesn't affect us anymore. we say we're over it and it's not even relevant in our lives. but until there is some sort of closure, some sort of concluding argument or make up, it's still very relevant in our lives.

i'm guilty of all these things on several different occasions. there are still people out there that i haven't made up with. but honestly, getting back one friend is such a relief. my whole body and spirit is lifted. and even though i haven't seen this person yet and possibly may not see them for a long while, the first thing i want to do is give them a hug and let them know face to face that i meant every word i said in my long, drawn out, and extremely late apology. i'm sure/really hope they feel the same. and i swear i won't let the past affect how i treat them in the future.

mindlessness at work

chillen at work.

doing what i do best.

chillen.
answering the phone.
chillen.
eating skittles.

my tummy kinda hurts from eating the skittles. i feel like they were super strong skittles. like super duper flavored. anywayssss.

i need to quit blowing so much money on weekends. i hardly spend on weekdays but on weekends, when i'm with my friends, i feel like we throw down money like it's nothing while we all keep saying "OH MY GOSH. I CAN'T SPEND ANY MORE MONEY"

it's kinda funny. but also kind of scary. when you're having fun, you lose track of so many things. but it's not always a bad thing. the friends i have now "aka summer crew" are slowly morphing into my regular crew. i love it. i was sad during the last few weeks of summer thinking "this may be the last few times we ever hang out like this" and honestly, it won't be exactly the same as it was during the summer. but lately i've been spreading my time out evenly between new and old friends. not just sticking to one group of friends because it's my "norm" or because i'm in my "comfort zone". nonetheless, i am closer with certain individuals than others, but i'm starting get to know people i wouldn't have had the chance to get to know if it hadn't been for this summer.

i know summer is pretty much over now. i'm ready for winter. i'm ready for an overnight trip. i'm down for anything. mainly, i'm ready for SIX FLAGS BETCHESSSS.